WARNING: My emo trip

Do you ever just feel like something is off? What about questionable moods? Like why are you in certain moods when you don't know or understand the meaning? I think for me it's mostly that I feel misdirected. It's at that point where I can understand something is off and can give you a list of things I would LIKE to be or feel but no matter what effort I put into it, it just seems to dwindle down to this after a good high of things going great.

What's fucked up right now is that I want to make the Navy a career but am not allowed to choose my career path. So the inability to choose my own path is one of the biggest turn-off's that the Navy has. I hate to say it but the more turn-off's there are the more likely it is to resent every step you take, every breathe, everything. It's an inability to relax, to enjoy life. It's a wall in the way. It's like being in a room full of gorgeous models who are drooling over what you have to offer and you're stuck inside a glass window and that silhouette in the top floor window laughing.

I also get discouraged at the fact that when I think of who I am and the things I love to do and people I love I have a certain expectation I NEVER meet. For instance I would love the be the next best artist... but I rarely sit and draw. I want to be adventurous but never get out. I want to make a difference but never pursue.  I get so hurt at times because I am constantly putting myself down expecting better AND the thing is is that I feel SO close to something like I am about to grab that hand. I feel like all this is going to subside soon, don't know how soon is but there is light there. I guess I just got to keep fighting.

It's out. I may have more later but this is what I am feeling now on my graveyard shift :/